I'm sure that you've been on the edge of your seat /  by Tahlia Roper

When is she going to write about India?

2 weeks in India and 2 weeks to settle back in.

I’ve been back in Tulsa since January 11th and tbh it has taken a lot to process the trip and my reentrance back into regular life.

2 weeks for Haroldo to air his grievances.

As I wrestle with mine.

Make no mistake, India is amazing.

It almost left me speechless but now that I’ve had time to process my experience, I suppose I could spare a few words.

It’s the least that I could do.

India blew my mind. It’s as if it opened up and cradled me into it like a newborn. I feel very blessed by every person that I met during this trip. To put it short, I was having a great time at almost every moment of my 2-week trip.

What was different?

2 things:

  1. Indian people

  2. My own raw surrender to the experience

Indian People

Are the most hospitable people that I have encountered yet.

Everywhere I went, people treated me like I was part of their family, maybe even better than family. I don’t mind being a passive observer of a culture but I’ve never felt so included by people before. I was touched by the kindness of everyone that I met and honestly feel indebted to the people for the experience that I had.

I needed to get out.

But sometimes as we all know ‘answers only make more questions’.

I felt myself let go on this trip and just be open at every moment to whatever experience I was going to have. I felt relaxed, I enjoyed myself, I sauntered.

I reminded myself to “not write the narrative” and just see what was going to happen.

A relief.

I returned

Safely and with a deep swell in my heart for everything, everywhere, all at once.

I charge on

Plotting on the next.

Scheming and daydreaming of beach days and dancing.

I just finished “The War of Art” by Steven Pressfield, it gave me some much needed reminders.

Oh India

I’ll come back and flounce around again.

Where to next?

I have a stint in Memphis for February. I’ll be salsa dancing and hanging with granny. It’s always a chill time and conducive to writing.

There are those days /  by Tahlia Roper

Nestled into an array of great and present days that is just not.

And on those days you can look around and point at what might be the problem.

I used to find the issue very quickly but once you become introspective and investigative enough you start to realize that sometimes there is no issue.

That's more the case for me these days and it almost makes it harder.

It's almost easier to blame outside happenings and people than to have awareness of the nuanced parts of the human experience. Technically I am a female animal that is at the mercy of hormones and bacteria that is sometimes in a fight against my consciousness.

I know that logically nothing is wrong with me, but my bodily sensations and emotions tell me otherwise.

A duel ensues, each side trying to convince the other one what is the right way to feel.

Yet, the reason doesn't matter at all and the whole point is just to look at it and be ok with it either way.

😅🤣 So I'm just trying to do that through writing about it.

Me have a bad day?! 😤 Never 😝

An inward sense of hmph /  by Tahlia Roper

Hmph when the things that used to interest you, no longer do.

Hmph at some side effects of growth 😇.

And I'll be honest, hmph at the internal dialog, both good and bad💅💃.

But here's the thing, I know it to be seasonal🌬️.

As animals we are sensitive to and dependent on the happenings of the earth. Be it energetically or atmospherically, everything is information bouncing off of each other. We take information in and affects how we feel and think.

I have tried to get better at wintering and adjusting to/avoiding the negative parts of it.

Every year I feel a little bit closer to accepting winter while I continue to daydream about if I would be even more happy living on a beach with perfect weather everyday (and a nice fruit juice stand nearby that I can walk to 😘).

There are people that have this experience, why shan't it be me?

I say to me.

It really should be me.

I would still have the internal winter because that's just part of life. I'm not reliant on living in a beach town to be happy but it would be like a cherry on top of the cake situation.

But for now, I am practicing acceptance with winter 😅🥲.

I am learning things this winter.

I'm having realizations about life and myself and the nature of existence. I guess I don't really have a choice 🥲.

I picked up a new lil notebook and I am very pleased. The ending of one notebook and the start in another one is an exciting change of hands. A chapter is done, my new life(journal) begins.

What lessons will I learn this time?

What “exciting” things did I not see coming.

Whose name will be dropped, what words and phrases will I make up?

Winter is always a delicious time to write for me and that's something to be thankful about…I guess 😝😝😝.

Ok that's enough for tonight, back to winterizing.

In Chill Vibes Only,

-Tahlia

Sometimes it's good to reflect /  by Tahlia Roper

“I have been a very successful me”

I've made the most of what I could with what I've had and tbh I'm pretty proud of myself.

I have an indomitable spirit, that I know.

But it's in the way that I think and view the world that lets me have such a spirit.

¿Porqué no?

This is literally my nature and I'm sorry of that offends you.

I'm thankful that I don't have to worry so much about surviving and that I can wilfully ponder about the nature of existence and how the world works.

It's pretty fun 🥹❤️😇🤌.

Sunday reset /  by Tahlia Roper

I also broke the coffee filter curse on Saturday morning so I guess you could say that everything is fixed now.

Tis the 2024 marination month, even Spotify is ready giving wrapped on Dec 1st.

Winter is for long stares off into the nothingness.

Every winter I have a realization about winter, it must be useful.

I dread it, but when it's here I think, “oh this makes sense and is needed.”

I took my little notebook to the tiki bar last night and pondered with pen.

Creating themes or outcomes that I want to work on for 2024. It's funny because we are wrapping up our strategy for work and I'm working on my personal strategy too.

I hold all plans and goals lightly knowing that I do not know what will happen in life. I set some general plans of things to learn and moves to make knowing that something wild and fun could also happen. We just really do not know, but we can set a course.

The path I'm on needs to be able to change with new information, I'm just trying to maximize the value of my life(while I have it) and not just to benefit myself but then to flow out and benefit others.

Strategy.

Yolo, might as well try.

I went dancing on Friday night 🥹 it was a pleasant time.

Dance is one of the keys to happiness for me. I can't really express how much I enjoy it but you can see it on my face post dancing 💃.

And now it's Sunday, time for the reset.

Time to cook, clean, and mentally prepare for a new week.

More later.

Coffee filters trying to teach /  by Tahlia Roper

Me a lesson.

How do the coffee filters play into my frustration? A gentle wave from an inanimate object that says, “hello, I see that you're bothered and it's bothered me in the process”.

After months of solid and smooth pour overs, the filter does it's random thing where it just gives up entirely and I have to start over.

Refilter the coffee, but still creating a sludge, giving up, and giving in.

Drinking the sludge.

Drinking the sludge of my own frustration, a friendly reminder that we are also bothered as much as we prefer not to be.

I can only laugh, at myself, at the situation, at everything.

Compression in one realm /  by Tahlia Roper

Relaxation in another.

I'm not going anywhere, it's raining.

It has been an intense couple of weeks for me at work. Lots of challenges, some solutions, and a bit of unadulterated opinion-giving by me.

Recognizing a tightness in me that has come from all of it and a dear need for me to breathe out, and let it go.

I love working with people and the challenges they present in them or in me. I genuinely enjoy the dance of personality clashes and tiring work to come to a solution.

I have trained myself to accept stress as a positive endeavor, one that is a natural part of change and growth.

I see my own flaws in the flaws of other people.

Let us be a mirror for each other, in work or in play.

Sometimes it can be tiring to be aware of it all at the same time 😅. Your faults, my faults, our collective suffering.

It would almost be easier to just be aware of your faults and sit here in happiness eating my ice cream cone, feeling vindicated that you are a problem but I am good to go.

I can't do that though, because fortunately/unfortunately I had a bit of an awakening early on in life, and I've been on the path of self awareness ever since.

I started reading an interesting book this week that I picked up from Gardeners, “If You Meet the Buddha on the Road, Kill Him” by Sheldon B. Kopp.

One excerpt I found particularly truth bearing:

We have to take it all in, to enjoy the full experience.

But it do be hard. It's not fun or easy to recognize and accept your negative parts but in doing so, you help other people accept theirs, and you're more accepting and in touch with the fact that we are all just people trying to make sense out of what we can and do the best we can.

Ok, now time to decompress.

Winterize yourself /  by Tahlia Roper

Expect delays.

Summer me is not winter me and I have to adjust for comfort.

I shan't rush this season, if there's not an hour between events, I'm not going.

I'm not jamming my week full of after work activities, I just can't.

If you need me, I'll be in a hot bath.

The winter is for chilling but also crafts 💅 and soup.

Crafts, soup, chilling, say it with me now!

I'm winterizing, I'm cocooning, and come spring time, I will emerge again.

Mostly joking because India is less than 4 weeks away 😅. I have a few weeks of winterizing, then it's adventure time again. Time to peer into myself as I travel and experience something new.

You're never the same you and I've been thinking about some of the lessons that I had to learn this summer, most of which relate to how I let people treat me.

I am not in charge of how other people think of me or treat me but at the least I can treat others with kindness and send them on their way.

I've been getting better at the “send them on their way” part.

Thankful /  by Tahlia Roper

Yes indeed.

I wanted to do something different this year for Thanksgiving so I decided to host a friendsgiving. I spent a couple of weeks planning a very big and audacious menu. I worked tirelessly in the kitchen for the last couple of days making everything from pickles to cake.

And now I rest.

The party was great, the food was delicious and the only photo that I took was two of my friends saying goodbye to Haroldo.

I had so many dishes and things to clean up but my friends went into action helping me 🥹 and pretty much saved my life because I was so tired and I couldn't wait to pass out.

I have mostly rested today and through that I have had some interesting thoughts pop back onto my radar.

I threw a big party, what's next?

Technically India is next, one month away 😅.

I am going to try and rest as much as possible over the next month, I feel like 2024 is already knocking with it's unknown adventures waiting.

In good news Haroldo can handle a party, I had about 17 ppl in my one bedroom apartment 🤣. He entertained occasionally and then would retreat to my bed.

With all the pre work and planning before, during the actual party I also experienced a lot of sensory overload.

Which is why today has been quiet and calm.

Maybe tomorrow I will go two stepping 🤠💅.

We have to be able to laugh at ourselves /  by Tahlia Roper

Or what are we even doing?

Surely any person with sound intellect must have a little absurdism in them!

How can you know and see so much and not find it(everything in life) a bit entertaining?

The more that you inspect life and start to see all the factors at play, it’s hilarious that we would be serious about anything at all, especially ourselves.

We are all navigating this hilarious circumstance(life) that we have found ourselves in.

But at least we have found ourselves in it, for now. Might as well have fun with it.

It is easier said than done, even I get serious 😅😝🤌.

If I did not have the ability to laugh at myself and at life's silly little situations, I'd be “shit out of luck” (as they say) mentally.

Comedy is the weighted blanket that let's me sleep at night.

A love /  by Tahlia Roper

Of love.

It's been a wild week with a lot of different experiences, interactions, and conversations with a variety of different types of people. It's also been a very introspective week for me (but I guess that's just my nature 😅).

I don't like to label myself too much and I am highly sus of language and it's ability to accurately describe everything in this world, but one label that is resonating with me in a way that just makes my physical and mental maintenance make much more sense is “introverted extrovert”.

I have a deep and genuine love for people and sharing different experiences with different types of people.

Sometimes I question myself because even though I know that I really enjoy interacting with people, I only enjoy it if I'm able to be fully present, and the only way for me to be fully present is in a relaxed frame of mind. This relaxed frame of mind comes to me through deep alone time.

Conversations with myself make conversations with other people 100% better. Lifelong journaler 🫡 here.

I wonder if you can relate to other people very well without relating to yourself?

There's the saying “treat others how you want to be treated” and the follow up “treat others how they want to be treated” but I think how you treat yourself is generally congruent with how well you are able to treat others.

If you have no understanding for yourself, it's harder to be understanding with other people too.

I know that I get the best results with other people when I “start close in”.

This is a photo I took of this guy roller skating in Memphis carrying a huge stick, 35mm.

To me starting close in is just doing the things that you don't want to do but you know that you need to do in order to maintain existence.

I think it seems easier for people to take care of others before taking care of themselves but I don't think that this is particularly effective.

Do the things that you need to do for you, even if you don't want to, because it adds up.

Do I want to do the dishes? Does anyone ever want to do the dishes?

But having the kitchen clean will make me feel better in the long run, so I do the dishes. This logic is surprisingly not easy to come by, it took me awhile to learn the value of compounding uncomfortable things.

Such is life, and the better that you can get at dealing with and being in uncomfortable situations, the more relaxing that life can be. You've put up with a bunch of crazy situations and people and now you know that you can handle pretty much anything in this unpredictable experience that we are having. This gives a safety that can only be found in peace of mind.

So I know all of this but I think previously in my life I would feel guilty for not wanting to be social. I think back on how I used to live my life with so much interaction and not enough personal time to reflect, I was insanely stressed about pretty much anything. It's very strange to look back and think “she needed so much space”.

The more that I accept my nature and work with myself vs against myself, the better I am at being present with other people. What a novel idea, take care of yourself so that you can take care of other people too.

So I like the label of introverted extrovert because it makes me feel less guilty for being a person in a complicated world with changing needs.

But oh boy do I love people. When I am able to build genuine connections of presence with people, to see and be seen by them, it is the highest joy.

So I do take a lot of time for myself, this way I can be with people in the capacity that I want to which is from a present relaxed ground.

When I show up as myself, it makes it easier for other people to show up as themselves as we are all just us.

To start close in is to create a ripple, we are all waves anyways. (Scientifically true)

I feel full from a week and weekend of interesting experiences with people that helped remind me how much I enjoy being in this world and experiencing this fun strange thing called life.

Toodles 😘.

It comes in waves /  by Tahlia Roper

“What?”

“Everything”

Indeed it does. Everything also leaves as a wave. Life is a dance of patterns and the game is to comfortably bob along at the frequency of your being.

Rest is crucial for flow. As a creative individual there are little more valuable states to me than being in a state of flow.

I have to put myself in “timeout” as a part of my earthly maintenance. I enjoy it, even if I have a tinge of fomo. Once everything is complete, I can get to that state. I can't get there if there are things left undone. Once everything that I've perceived as necessary is done, I can truly feel at rest and then bam, I'm in flow.

Now I know that we are truly never going to get “everything” done, but for me everything defined as the general base that it takes for me to maintain: exercise, sleep, nutritious food, to do lists, and a clean apartment.

The creative process is a dance of energy and only through clearing energy can you welcome new energy in.

If this sounds too “woo woo” for you then just try it in a very real world way: the next time you are feeling overwhelmed, make time to clean your desk/apartment/car/life. Our inner worlds are inextricably tied to our outer worlds, it's rare that someone lives in chaos and mess and is not a little bit chaotic on the inside.

I do have the luxury and know-how to take care of myself in ways that foster internal peace, and so that's what I do.

Anyways, I made baked feta with tomatoes tonight and it was delicious.

Now is as good of a time as any /  by Tahlia Roper

Sitting in Whipple Manor, drinking coffee and listening to Watts.

A question that I'm starting to ask myself as I go about my time interacting with different people and situations in life, “What does the universe want to teach me about _____?”

What is the lesson that I need to learn in this particular scenario?

What character development timeline am I on in this moment?

I get the best results from asking this question when I expand time to include pondering’ time.

We ponder out loud to each other and ponder upon pondering.

I'm just trying to understand myself and yourself and how we are all the same yet different yet the same and boundaries are imaginary and what kind of fantastical schemes can I dream up knowing all of this is actually nonsense yet delightful.

I'm just having fun with it.

Because I do not see any other logical way of living.

I feel in bliss when I take a moment to fully bear the full weight of my existence. It took time to get to this place but also no time at all, like memory recall from a different lifetime.

“Love is the gift of attention”

To yourself, to your friends, to your family, to your pets, and to everything and everyone else.

We were talking about how there are phrases that people say when they don't know how to wrap up a certain conversation.

To each their own.

As I was taking care of my plant /  by Tahlia Roper

I thought about how sometimes peace can be found in the things that you neglect.

Clarity comes as the floor is swept.

Connections made, as is the bed.

I clear my head as I clear my space and ready for something new and different to unfold.

I got my 10k in /  by Tahlia Roper

My 10,000 steps in today.

Making more of an effort to take walks throughout the day.

This adds a clarity and pause to the mental landscape of the day.

While thinking over some aspects of myself that I'd like to improve upon, I came up with a resolution last night as I was falling asleep.

Meet 5 new people.

I want to get better about talking to people that I do not know.

I think I've gotten wrapped up in my own world and have become closed off in some ways.

I want to meet the person that I pass on my walk downtown. I want to get better about striking up conversations with people, wherever I'm at.

Well after work today I took a walk to top off the last of my self mandated steps 😅 and I met a guy as he was walking his dogs. He happened to be nearly deaf and we talked for awhile about hearing loss and various other things that were going on with him.

After we parted I laughed at myself for feeling a little drained from our conversation.

“This is what you wanted”

When I do engage with people, they tend to go off about anything and everything.

I take this as a sign that there is something in me that has made this person very comfortable.

I continued walking and then saw an old patron of mine from my bartending days sitting on the patio of the cigar place.

I pass this place daily, multiple times a day. I always give a wave, “hey how you doing”. Today though, I propped up on the railing and started to chat these folks up. I must have been in a silly goofy mood because I decided to plop down and join in their beer and cigar ritual.

I am fascinated by this cigar place because everytime I pass I see a mix of all types of people straight chilling. I generally like places that attract a mix of people. I need variety in many areas of my life and I seek out experiences where I can be exposed to different things and people.

I proceeded to meet at least ten other patrons as they came in, they all seemed to know each other. I've been to many bars in my day but I haven't been to a place that had this sort of comfortable comraderie among patrons. I had a beer, a new friend gave me a cigar, and I was now in the gang. I got into a few conversations and generally sat there just enjoying the relaxed atmosphere and absorbing the uniqueness of the situation.

I'm not big on cigars and I'm mostly anti-smoking but sometimes you just get over yourself and enjoy a different experience.

Life is made rich by the people you share it with, so why not get better at sharing it with a greater variety of people?

I feel lucky to be open and popping holes in my bubble every day.

I got shorter /  by Tahlia Roper

Major life update here, according to measurements from a doctor, I am 5’2. I know for a fact that I used to be 5’3.

This means that I have shrunk in stature. I am shorter than I used to be, which is a little disturbing to think about.

I thought I was doing everything that I could to grow big and strong.

Yet, I remain a shawty.

Which is fine I guess. I just ran across a new favorite song, shorty party, so maybe it's divine timing that I am further cementing myself as a shawty.

Even with my height shortcomings I am feeling elated in a way about my life right now.

Things always change but it's comforting to know that when things are good, I always know that and soak it in.

Reflecting /  by Tahlia Roper

On travel.

I got a few rolls of film back from Apertures (I'll post soon). When I look at the photos, I sink back into the places of where I was when I took them.

The mental and physical spaces, the comfort of being alone. I love traveling alone and getting to meet people and a place by myself. It is incomparable with traveling with friends or a loved one. Both have their places, of course.

But traveling alone allows for so much more of the unexpected. Unexpected realizations and journeys in a place but also in your mind.

When you're with someone, it's easy to go with what they want to do and have a shared mental space of, “what are we doing”. When you're alone, you're thinking and observing, there isn't the constant tennis game of conversation to be had with another.

I have met people while traveling that I can retain my space with, I could've easily made them scurry if I was getting tired of the duet so it never felt like too much.

It's much harder to do that with friends and way harder to do that with someone that you love.

I am thinking of where I want to go and have a private conversation with a new experience next.

Some days I pull up Google maps and scroll out to see the possibilities.

I think about these things more on rainy days.

God, Italy sounds nice.

At La tertulia /  by Tahlia Roper

Having myself a Friday night.

Dressed in garb for dancing as one might be.

It's funny how sometimes all the thoughts come crashing in, in a positive way.

A renewal. So many renewal's, never get used to you, you'll change anytime now.

I love trompsing around like I own the place (downtown Tulsa). It's my neighborhood now and I traverse it like I'm security.

I walk everywhere like I'm security. I'm the unofficial bouncer of everywhere that I go, and I like that about me 😅🤣.

Monday-Wednesday flew by. My flight home on Wednesday was very sketch at the end, and a little nauseating. Every flight is a good time to remember your mortality.

I survived, and now I'm at La Tertulia building a base layer for whatever might come of this night.

Takeoffs and landings /  by Tahlia Roper

One of my fave albums. Topical as I'm now preparing to board for a flight to Austin for work.

I'm sleepy, I think the roids kept me up all night. I feel good otherwise.

My ear feels pretty much all better and is not distracting me to the point of trying to perform any operation on it. Hearing a little more clearly.

I had a full plan to write up a big to do about yesterday but got so sleepy near the end. The other details I left out were that I got to see one of my all time best friends at Bachata and then helped my mom make a veil for the rave she's going to 😅🤣.

I ventured down to tiki tonk and two stepped through the tiki bar. I don't think anyone else besides the person that I danced with can say that they two stepped through a tiki bar during a tiki tonk.

I'm happy to be going to Austin to meet my coworkers but also a little sad to leave Haroldo behind.

My boi.

I'm really loving downtown living and now that I live downtown, I don't see any point in living anywhere else in Tulsa. I feel that way about wherever I'm at, and I think it's a good thing. Always in the right place, at the right time.

Making headway on my goals for the most part and feeling optimistic and clear minded again.

Time to scoot.

I have danced /  by Tahlia Roper

And therefore been renewed.

Today has been a really great day 🥴🌞

It started with an urgent care visit to figure out what the hell was making my ear clogged. I really had hoped for something interesting to come out of it but apparently it was just full of fluid.

So they gave me my first steroid shot, right on the tuckus.

Now I don't usually feel old these days but something about having to get a steroid shot made me start to think, damn…maybe I am getting old.

When I was leaving my shot I received an invite from a friend to visit the historic Vernon AME Church. Well why the hell not.

I'm not religious, I am spiritual but I am highly fascinated with experiencing the little pockets of different culture in this town.

(The night before we went to check out a latin dance club)

I just like going places where I might meet different people and see something that I'm not used to seeing.

I haven't been to a Sunday service since maybe over 20 years, aside from my grandpa's funeral…it's been a long time.

When you're a visitor at the Vernon AME they give you a reserved row to sit in. They also make you stand up and introduce yourselves 😅. Shortly into the service this very sweet lady, Lynette, came and introduced herself and told us that she was glad we came.

Before she came and sat by us, I had been admiring her style and thinking that she was put together how my grandma would be.

The music at Vernon can't be beat, even if you're not religious, you can feel that awe inspiring beat.

After church let out, I chilled for a bit before Bachata class 💃.

A couple of my friends joined me and I loved the class. I just love dancing, and today was full of dancing.

I'm hit with the sleeps rn and must finish packing for my trip otherwise I'd rant about dance a bit more.

Goodnight.