I had plans to go somewhere

But somewhere was having a private party, so I ended somewhere else.

And now after somewhere else, there is somewhere, actually many somewheres that I could be.

But I don't want to. For some reason, I just don't want to.

I want to be at home(or at least my BNB) and not out, not in the night chaos.

The night chaos hasn't called to me in awhile. In fact I've noticed that the only way I'm able to tolerate the night chaos is if I drink myself into my own type of chaos and I just don't want to do that either.

It's a strange feeling for me.

I just want to be home, chilling, thinking, enjoying the moonlight.

But for some reason I feel a guilt sensation? Like I need to be out, somewhere?…that's what people do right? It's Friday…

When I get back to Tulsa I pretty much have nonstop plans for a week straight and it's not my favorite but at least now, while on a lil vacay, I can just chill if I want to.

An extra thing of luck to note

There are obvious ways in which I am lucky to be able to travel, mainly I can afford it and I'm also not scared to do it.

But something else that is not obvious, something you might only think of if it did affect you: being able bodied.

I am physically capable of traveling pretty much anywhere without having to worry about walking long distances or up stairs, or uneven pavements. I think about this when I travel because often I am in places where there is basically no way you could be there or stay there if you had any sort of mobility problem.

So yah, I'm thankful for my legs!!! They're strong AF and who knows…they could get randomly chopped off anytime 😅🤣, I mean I surely hope not but we just do not know.

So for now yah I'm walking up the spiral staircase and tripping over uneven pavements because I can.

Just a thought.

Shedding skins

Shedding skins and I think about you, him, her, and everyone that I know or have seen.

I observe and examine, and in my mind do a little analysis on everyone, sometimes objectively, sometimes not. More often than not the analysis then turns to myself in reflection of any conclusions that I came to.

And I am always wanting to conclude things, to have a concrete yes/no on the situation.

Quick to remove myself from any deterioration of energy. Maybe too quick.

Trying to understand what in you(everyone) makes me scowl at your parts rather than openly loving everything as is.

Then there is the other concern, my time.

Am I in disservice to myself giving my time to anyone even if I feel there is a disconnect?

I've always found it strange that people hang out with people that they seem to hate or find very frustrating.

I wonder if I'm trying to make myself too comfortable by removing everything I don't like.

Is it bad, is it good? I don't know but I can tell you that for the most part I enjoy my life more when I'm not putting myself into situations that disturb some inner part of me.

But I have to be careful with that too, of course.

We must always be challenging ourselves and running towards the very things we are afraid of and even annoyed by. It makes us better, somehow.

There's no right answer here, I just try to maintain awareness of what I do and try to be patient with (most) people to see them through.

Anyhow.

There's a bat that keeps trying to fly into my window, today I head to Antigua for a complete change of pace.

And I'm back

Back in Guatemala, para mi tiempo tercero.

After I landed I got an Uber to El Paredón, a short 3hr drive 😅.

On the plane I had already come to a few conclusions about my “impulse” back in February to book this trip.

I won't reveal those here but taking a trip physically or mentally seems to offer the space to ask yourself questions.

I identified two questions or rather parts of myself that needed some attention, some figuring out.

Or at the least to make peace with.

I love traveling alone for this reason.

El Paredón is beautiful and also very hot 😅. Tomorrow I will go to Antigua to eat and dance my ass off.

This will be my first dance festival to attend and I'm very excited, even if I may not understand what is going on.

I've fared ok with my Spanish so far in El Paredón and you don't need to talk on the dance floor.

I feel incredibly grateful to be able to come here. To be able to travel, to see different things and to have unique experiences. When I let that feeling set in, I cry a wee bit.

I'm lucky, not perfect, but lucky.

The benefits of a genetic mutation

Because only I(and a few others) can understand the drawbacks.

The benefits of a genetic mutation, I'm able to just turn down the sound of the outside world.

I can sit here in a restaurant and be listening to Alan Watts.

And sometimes I simply don't hear what people say, and even this can be a benefit, depending on who's speaking.

If I am to sometimes exist in my own world, at least I can arrange a soundtrack.

If it causes me to rush

If it causes me to rush, I don't want it.

I don't want to be in a hurry about life, it's only going to end anyways.

And until that happens, let me saunter.

Let me relax, I want a life of- just enough. Just enough fire and energy to grow and learn while thoroughly enjoying the relaxation of the only moment we have, this one now.

Look at it only to see it's already gone and new one has arrived.

Over and over until it's time to fade back into the great expanse once again.

This my poetic justification of chilling 😘

The power that I have cultivated

The power that I have cultivated in myself to be able to do and enjoy things by myself is **chef's kiss**.

I'm in Denvie for my little adventure and it really hit me last night at the concert.

I am willing to put myself in new situations, I thrust myself happily into a space to be the odd man out in a new cultural experience.

And I love that.

It's not Mexican Culture, Turkish, Indian etc. that I'm obsessed with…it's people. I am fascinated by all people and especially when partaking in a celebration of music, dance, food.

I feel more connected to life in general when I'm walking out of my bubble.

The Cumbia concert that I went to last night was so fantastic. The dancing, the outfits, the incredibly talented musicians, such a great experience.

I feel very lucky to have the confidence to do what I want to without needing co-conspirators.

When you're open to new experiences, the world is your puppy. What you smile at, smiles back at you.

I am blessed to be able to have this much fun wherever I go, whatever I do.

I'm just a baby in this world, staying playful as life unfolds.

Oh but did I tell you about my outfit?!

Don't mind if I do

Don't mind if I do just enjoy myself.

Monday - Thursday I was in Housti for work and it was nice to hangout with my coworkers in person.

Nothing is nicer than being at home with my cat though, this is a hill I will die alone on 😅🤣😇.

İf İ hit you with this combo: 😅🤣😇.

This is what that means- I'm nervous about what i said but i also think it's funny and at some point I'm just a bby and also an angel so don't judge me.

İn a couple of hours I will be in Denvie.

Don't like my city names? Get over it.

Life is cute and I'm going to talk to it like a baby that I love.

Anyways, going to Denvie.

This is a weekend getaway that I had booked prior to the Housti situation. It was an impulse to see a cumbia band that I like.

Los Socios Del Ritmo.

At first glance I thought the band name meant, The psychos of Rhythm, and truthfully I wish that was what it meant.

It means the partners of rhythm though, which is not as exciting.

The music however, is exciting.

One thing I love about Latin music is the random yelling at the beginning of a song. It's a pre-yell to get you excited for the other exciting parts of the song.

If you don't know what I'm referring to, check out Llorar.

https://open.spotify.com/track/2f9XA7pBMjrHPO2cJW5XCu?si=UkUHJUlkR5uyneZ-0gFskQ

Llorar is the song that started my newfound Cumbia passion, there's a lot of layers of sound in the song and I just love it.

So I'll be in Denvie for a concert but I'll also pill around the town a bit and possibly go Salsa dancing.

And like always, I already miss my cat 😅🤣😇.

There's nothing to do here

At the end of the day, this is the conclusion.

There's nothing to be done.

I am simply here to watch.

Things will sort themselves out.

The body & the mind they'll move and shake…and I'm supposed to sit back and be aware of it.

I mean I can't exactly just hang out in the woods, I have bills to pay.

Would I be paying those bills, either way? If I thought I had control over it or not?

Am I the one paying the bills? Or am I that kinky soul that is watching “myself” pay bills?

We haven't reconciled ourselves yet.

I'm not my body, I'm not my mind, but a third more peculiar thing which isn't a thing at all but an experience.

The collective consciousness experiencing itself….got it 😅🤣😇.

Idk sometimes I'm just a girl 💅 and I am thinking too much either way.

That would be true of course, if I had the control.

The only control there seems to be is a surrender to the fact that we do in fact not have control and the best next thing we can do is to just be aware.

Alright I'm tuckered out now, time to dream.

Tickle my mind

To engage me in play.

Oh you're not playing enough, are you?

We are serious beings. We have responsibilities, self concepts, and an enduring to-do list.

One thing that has become very clear to me in recent years is that you have to make the space.

If you want _____ to come into your life….you have to make space for it.

You have to remove (“sacrifice”) things that detract you from where your intuition is leading you.

And above all, listen to your body.

The body knows.

The body knows when you don't enjoy someone, something, or some place.

Are you listening?

Or maybe you're hearing the signals but you're not understanding what they mean.

It takes time to know oneself(to truly objectively witness your experience)…and in the end there is no true knowing of something that is in a perpetual cycle of change.

So you might as well have fun and go with the flow… of the wave.

And this lil wave(me) is having a break to rest up for a big fancy crest😇.

My body tells me when I need rest, knowing what is ahead.

If I don't listen, I make things worse.

If I do listen though…if I relax, if I rest, if I play…

Well the water comes rushing in to lift me up - here I come for my next big fancy crest.

💅 🌊

The more that I relax

The better that I feel, and the better I am at being around other people.

It seems simple, right?

Just relax.

Being in a relaxed state also helps me to think more clearly.

When I am able to do that, ideas just rush in. My creativity is at maximum potential when I'm at ease with life as it is.

Things that help me to relax: dancing, exercise, meditation aka just being present with the current moment that you are in which is all there is, actually if you think about it, or not.

The current experience is all there is. Everything else is some distraction from what is.

I'm a Pisces though and you know they say that we daydream 😍. Interesting to watch myself to go through winter and end up in spring again.

It was bound to happen.

Circle of life or something like that.

Death and rebirth on a daily basis.

Always starting new which is kind of a relief tbh.

We have the illusion that we have the control but as we all know, life is just going to be lifing w/ or w/o your consent.

It'll give you a lil tehehe and turn your world upside down or downside up.

And it will do that as long as you're lucky enough to experience it.

So be like Haroldo and chill a bit.

Just a regular day

Oh yah, and it’s also my birthday.

Another “year” in the grand scheme of space and time.

Technically- everyday is your birthday, when you consider that at any moment you could get Weird Al Yanked right off the plane of existence.

Birthdays mark the current location of where we are at on birth->death cycle, or so we think.

You made it another year, congratulations! Time to celebrate!!

But what if I told you, there’s another way?

I have been wondering why I hadn’t felt like making a whole shebang (unrelated to DJ Shebangs) out of it.

I had a couple of theories and then I realized what it was, I am generally celebrating being alive and enjoying my life every day.

I am thankful to be alive and to be living a very beautiful existence. I do be pondering and at the end of a good ponder it's always coming up roses.

Today for my birthday I got Haroldos teeth cleaned. Luckily he didn't have to have any extractions and doesn't have to wear kitty dentures. Can you imagine?

Kitty dentures.

Oh but back to my birthday.

It's actually been a blast. I love my existence, my freedom, and lifestyle. I am very lucky to be.

Spring has sprung and I have come out of the winter(for now😅).

I did me tings today, it was a great day indeed.

Bless.

It is hard to let go of concepts

About your “self”, your career, your partner, and the way in which the world works.

Something that you held inside like a lens that had you laid over life, filtering it to your comfort.

You are placed in a trance by your own vision, going along until one day, something happens and it is so contrary to how you “know” things to be. An unmet expectation, an unwanted surprise at the wrong time.

You can't believe it. This is not how things should be!

Ah but it is how things are.

This has happened for me many times, and when I feel like I've learned and mastered the avoidance of such a feeling…”here's Johnny!”

It's like I forget, when I just shouldn't be surprised.

You can only be so “organic”, life is not all “free range” 😝🌞.

I can only be so enlightened, or at least for now 😇😅.

I've been caught up with my own seasonality. I sometimes feel a little shame around it but then I remind myself, I am literally an animal in a complex ecosystem.

Everything in and on this planet is going through constant cycles of death and rebirth, me included.

And that is a good thing. That is a blessing from the all, the opportunity to be here and have this experience and share it with others.

But it 10000% does not always feel like that.

The quicker that I can just relax and let be what already is, the easier life appears to be.

Relax.

Winds blow into my ears from rustling leaves, relax.

Just relax.

Never forget that you are just passing through, enjoying what is being given to you in each moment.

And when you move with that type of inner relaxation and attention, your presence becomes a gift to those that you interact with.

The path calling me back when the winter feels hard…”relax, spring is coming.”

Spring is indeed coming.

The animals need rest.

The windows are open

Spring is chomping at the bit.

I've done a lot and nothing all at the same time.

Feeling thankful for my friends.

Time matches on.

No matter where you go

There you are.

Another beautiful experience that makes you feel happy and sad at the same time.

The whole point of it all is to just experience it.

So I chalk it up to that, no need to make anything extra out of it other than what it is.

Meanwhile,

I daydream of summer and feel it rattling in my skin to bloom.

Day 13 in Memphis

A crash.

Let me recap my 2024 so far for you.

Jan 1- Jan 11: India

Jan 11-Feb 1: Tulsa (home)

Feb 1-Feb 20: Memphis

I have only been home for 2.5 weeks of this new year. That doesn't bother me but for the rest of the time I have been with people in one capacity or another.

At home I can truly be alone and do as I please without commentary, this is very important for me as it helps me be able to show up in a way that I want.

I have been challenged by the near constant interaction and today I feel that I have crashed a bit.

I am in Memphis to be with and help family and I don't mind but it does come at a cost to my own mental landscape. One day I'd like to see that I am capable of removing the need for alone time but that's just not where I'm at today.

This is how I am coping knowing that I've hit my limit today:

I decided to skip salsa class (tomorrow I will go to Bachata and a social, conserving energy for that)

I took a hot bath.

I am staying…alone and withdrawing from interaction (with anyone) for the evening.

I'm listening to Watts 😅…listening to philosophy can be a good mental bath for me(noise cancelling headphones too).

Simple little things that will hopefully give me some relief so I can be back to myself tomorrow.

Side note, I am missing my cat so much 😭😭😭. It has been hard to be away from my lil buddy.

My friend sent me this photo though, it's funny…he's kind of expressing how I feel rn in this pic 😅.

One more week to go here and then I will hole up in my apartment and be renewed by the comfort of my own space, both mental and physical.

Up before the sun

Nothing like a 6am flight to DFW.

Did I sleep? 😅 A few hours…the alarm went off at 3:45. My light turned on right at 3:45 too…to which I audibly went “ruuude” to.

I usually pack for weeks before a trip but this time it was a few hours 🤣. I'm just going to stay with my family so I could forget almost everything and still be fine.

Also given all the traveling that I did in 23, I hardly have to think about it very much.

I make a list, it's usually the same things that go on that list.

Chargers, cords, laptops, underwear, etc.

I think I did pretty good this time but I guess i'll find out in Memphis.

Man, I'm going to be missing my cat 😭…just look at him-

Far too presh.

Barely awake, hanging on by a thread, let's goooooooooo.

Good morning

I tossed a bit overnight, like a workout and a fight between the weighted blanket and the duvet. My legs swirling and kicking to try and make sense of the two together.

The first thing I do in the morning is pull the shade up and let the sun in. Luckily we are meeting and waking up at the same time now, the sun and I.

January is the longest month, and for what?

I say it every year and I mean it extra this time, I can't be here for January.

It's the worst month in Tulsa (next to February 😅) . I'll be gone for most of the short month, in Memphis.

I'm looking forward to being there, chatting with Granny, and taking salsa lessons.

I haven't salsa'd in what seems like months. I'll miss my cat of course, but I know he will be living like a king here in my apartment with Gary(my friend who watches my cat). He probably doesn't boss Gary around as much as me but I'm sure he'll save it up for when I get back.

Living the high life on Tulsa time.

The sun comes out

And here I am, healed again.

I will start

Sharing more of my writing on this blog, not just journaling about my day to day but also some more of the philosophical and vulnerable parts of me that rarely get exposed otherwise.

“You don't get a prize for every inch of extra that you feel, not for feeling it or having it. You can only rest in your confidence in being able to hold it.”

I've been holding it this weekend, befriending it, memorializing it in my journal.